thighs

After not have been able to work out for 2 weeks (London 1 week and then Berlin 1 week) have my thighs enlarged with 2 cm. I feel horrible and absolutely grouse. I just can’t stop crying and my dad who tried to make me feel better, talking about that I will look like before in just a short notice once I get back to my training habits, feel sad too since it didn’t work.

I just feel so hopeless. I know that I should stick with eating without thinking, but I also know how to get fast results, and that is by breaking this new life and get to my old one.
For better or worse, you always remember the good parts about something instead of the bad.
I’m scared that it won’t stop. That I will keep getting bigger and bigger and then become fat or even obese. I know that isn’t the case since everyone in my family are thin and have a high fatburn, but what if I’m the exception?

Gaah, I just wanna rip my brain out so I don’t need to think about it anymore. Sometimes I just think I should have been easier if I was born into a horse… Or maybe a cow. No, not a cow. I would hate that people were putting things on my nipples…

EDIT:

I love my mom. How the hell can I think that my body will adjusted after just two days? The past two weeks have been really unhealthy and I’ve had no other choice, but eating large portions since we had long muesumvisits, trainsitting, etc, when we had no possibility to eat.
Things will get better, but I will have some dips on the way - and I’ve said that I’m NOT gonna spend time here, so what I’m doing here??
“Save changes”, “red dot”…

Love, truth and ending

My dearest followers,

You’ve given me self respect, happiness, joy and motivation. All the qualities I hope that I’ve given you in one way or another.
I started this blog when I had hit rock bottom, and you guys gave me belief and courage to do something about it. As the months passed, I got stronger, happier and healthier - all thanks to people who believed in me when I didn’t.

Today I did the most awful, but in more than one neccessary, thing to my parents. Since 2010 I’ve been writing down my most darkest thoughts in a password safe document called “the journal”. Uncensored, detailed moments from when my ED’s were too hard for me to handle are described, among the depressive thought I’ve been having.
After a huge fight with my mom based on an uncertain reason, I was devasted and crying wasn’t enough. I purged up my breakfast and when my parents left the house I printed out the journal. Before going to the gym to meet up a couple of friends I made sure that my parents would find it.

I have only seen my mother cry once and being the reason for her tears is the worst pain in my entire life. As if this wasn’t enough I caused the same pain to my dad and I know that neither one of us will forget this day.
Hearing your dad tell you that he feels like he doesn’t know his own daughter and your mom saying that she’s never felt this devasted is like being punched in the stomach. I couldn’t say a word for what felt like an hour. No matter how hard I tried my tongue and mouth refused to cooperate.

They love me so badly that they would give everything they had to make me happy. And I thank them by treating them like this. I’ve never cried so much as I have today and I’ve never felt this thankful to my parents as I am today. I’m not gonna get through this depression I’ve been suffereing from since 2010. We will. We are a team, a family and we’re gonna bend over backwards to make this work and find the way back to the girl I was before.
Tv will be limited and my Elle magazines will be cancelled. The scale is gonna be hidden, the morning walks will end and most importantly of all - this webpage will not be updated.
I need to find myself and who I really am and right now I’m too instable to put my heart into this since it frankly mess up my head. I have loved to help all of you and I’m proud of what this web page have accomplished, but I get so obsessed with living healthy that I become the opposite. Being healthy is to relax, loving yourself and not overthink fitness and eating habits. I realized that I fit a size 24. My size when I was in 7th grade was 26-27. I don’t want to care about how I look and I’m not gonnna have any fitness goals either - I’m gonna live my life the same way as I did before all this: happy, healthy and eating whatever I want whenever I want it.

I’m happy in tons of ways that I actually did what I did since all the weight I’ve been carrying now is out in the open. I’m not proud of who I am/was, but I know it was worth all this pain to get to the point where I can say that it’s gonna get better. I have been blessed with having parents who I can say are my best friends and I’m gonna work my ass of to not only get better for myself, but also for them.

I thank every one of my 3 762 followers for following me on this journey and I hope that one day our roads will overlap, until that day I wish you all of the best in life.

Lots of love,

Amanda/Healthier ways

Home!

Hi guys!
I’m happy to be back home again and I had a great trip!
I’m already looking forward to getting back on my regular “diet” with lots of fruit, veggies and low fat options and no more chips, white bread and muffins. ^^
I’ve realized that I’ve have something a lot like a “career damage” - Having the self control not to give a motivational speech to the obese man in front of me on the subway, who’s eating a bag of chips is REALLY HARD!
Not to mention just relaxing and enjoy “treating” myself with unhealthy foods. I traveled with my mom for spending some bounding and quality time together and lets just say we’re quite different when it comes to how we like to indulge. I really tried to avoid any conflicts by eating dessert and accepting that restaurants didn’t always (read “never”) serve salad with the meal I’d ordered - even though I sometimes might have leaked a vicious comment about saturated fats and high sugars… haha!
“the girl can’t help it…”

I hope you all have had a good time while I’m gone and I’m exited to answer the rest of the questions I’ve received while I’ve been away. It hasn’t been a day without me thinking about all of you. :’)

xx,

Amanda

PS! I measured myself and so far I still have the same digits as before we left - Puh! :D

London

Went over the sea for some shopping!

I’m back again late Wednesday night and will answer your messages at Tuesday xx

London

Went over the sea for some shopping!

I’m back again late Wednesday night and will answer your messages at Tuesday xx

London Calling!

Hey guys!

Just wanted to let you know that I’m going away to London in just a few hours!!!

I’ll be back to answer possible questions this Wednesday - so you don’t think that I’m ignoring you. I would NEVER do that sweeties!

I know that some of you (like me) are free from school so to you I wish you happy holidays!

And for all the other which have to go back to school this week… Umm, have a great week to you too! xx

Feeling better

After a 10 km/6.2 miles long walk I finally feel like me again!
I have NO IDEA how much calories I’ve been eating, but I know that I’ve been eating healthy and I feel content about myself - even though I’m bloated like a hippo because of PMS. Whatever, it will go away in a couple of days!

I’m happy, calm and I feel just like a sky looks like after a storm - it’s never as blue as then.
Old me - you’re welcome and I’ve missed you. :*

Happy Holiday everybody!!!