About me

The greatest workout of them all is to carry shopping bags 5km/3.1 miles. This is me and a friend last summer in London - the goal of the trip was to burn the salary from our summer jobs. We succeeded.

Hi there!
Since I’ve gotten a lot of questions about me, my past ED’s and basically who I am I’ve decided to write a brief biography about myself to (hopefully) give some clarity about who I am.

As you probably know, my name is Amanda. I was born September 30:th 1994 in the same town I’ve so far lived my entire life in.
I’ve always been active in some way and started with gymnastics when I was four for a few years and then moved on to horseback riding (today I own a horse with my mom) when I was 6.
I’ve also tried badminton and jazz dancing when I was between 11-15 but they both just lasted around 1-2 semesters. Since 2 years back, when I signed my gym membership, I’ve found a big love for Zumba and Bodyjam.

summer -12 after my bulimia. I gained everything I had lost + 5 lbs/2 kg and felt most comfortable in baggy sweats. Even though I wasn’t anywhere near being even chubby, being used to weigh 4 kilos less was really hard for me.
But I love the shoes on this picture! I’m a sucker for Jeffrey Campbell and so far I own 3 pairs (almost causing me personal bankruptcy after every purchase ^^)

Childhood

I was really outgoing and positive when I was younger and my teachers always described me as “motivated, strong minded, helpful, happy and with a problem of being silent”. I was always the smallest and was called midget by people who I today know suffered from low self esteem. I got bored of it and since I had a sharp tongue I gave back the shameful way. Let’s just say they stopped quite instantly. People got scared of me and I became the popular kid. It only lasted a few months - I realized pretty soon that I’d rather let others bring me down than the other way around.
This is something I think have had an impact on why I later on self harmed by purging or starving myself.

It took me quite a long time before I found new friends and during the time of being lonely I felt really insecure about myself.

From being someone who no one could push down, I turned into the opposite and it’s taking me several years to accept and letting myself think I’m good enough. Today I can honestly say that I’m pleased with myself and have a good confidence.  

Happy girl with a big bowl of delicious oatmeal!

Future
I’m graduating high school this summer and I’m going to work as an au pair for a year in the U.S. Where in the U.S I’m going is not decided yet, but I let you guys know when I have the dets! 

The plan is to continuing my education afterwards and study Business management at SBCC and get my degree at SDSU, but we’ll see what happens!

With other words: NO, I’m not a nutritionist and I’m not planning on becoming either. I don’t think it would be good for me to focus that much on nutrition, due to my history as you can continue to read below.

My ED’s

I developed anorexia when I was 15 and I dropped down to my LW of 103 lbs/47kg. The main reason was that I felt like I didn’t have somewhere I belonged and that I wasn’t good enough.

All of this turned out a lot better after a vacation with my parents in London for a week. I didn’t even think about calories during our stay and I got a lot closer to my parents. Once back home I gained all the weight I lost and I didn’t bother too much about it. This was a healthy weight for me since I ate whatever I wanted without gaining.
But, as most of you know, you don’t just stop having an ED. 
Even though I ate normally I still felt the constant need of having full control. I weighed myself every morning and evening for 2 years. If I had gained weight compared to the day before I skipped a meal that day and if I still wasn’t back on the same weight next day I would continue until I was. 
When my relationship with the first guy I’d ever loved ended (I was 16), I shut down completely. I started to binge and when the guilt came I started to purge. The purging became an addiction and my mind changed into what some people call a new person where the only thing that mattered was losing weight no matter what. The pattern didn’t stop until when I one day collapsed, skateboarding on my way to school.
Today I have a scar on my left hip and elbow as a reminder, but except for that it wasn’t serious. Even though I’d now realized how serious this was about to become I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Finding the strength to not only stop denying my bulimia to myself, but also to put an end to it took me a long time. Even though I found a lot of power in myself after seeing a documentary about Eating Disorders, I realized that, what I was doing could lead to severe permanent damage on my health.

Taken a couple of days after the skateboard accident. I weighed 53 kg/117 lbs, but it looked a lot worse since I lost weight so fast and most of it was on my upper torso where I was as most muscular.

Going from the stage of suffering from an ED to calling myself recovered has taken me a year of hard work, strength, and most important of all, always rising after a downfall. I can today say what I never thought was possible - I don’t count calories and in April 2013 it’s been a year since I last purged.
It’s not hard anymore to resist the urges to throw up after a meal and I eat whatever I want. I can feel beautiful even though I’m bloated due to “that time a month”, laugh, take another slice of cake when it’s a party without feeling bad about it and accepting myself with all the flaws that’s a part of me.

I wouldn’t want to be anyone else and In fact, I’m glad I’ve suffered from ed’s.  Without them I wouldn’t be writing this today, I wouldn’t have cared so much for others or gotten to know more about how some people feel and think about themselves. Without the ED I never would’ve come in contact with so many beautiful people all around the world and I feel blessed to have been given this opportunity.
It means a lot to me to hear that I’ve helped someone or given comfort. I spend a lot of time on this page, it’s a part of me and except for helping you it’s also helped me break up permanently with my ed’s. I know that I’ll never suffer from them again. 
How I can be so sure? I have all of you guys and I am forever grateful for all the support and love you’ve given and still give me. <3

Me and my horsie, Pekka.